Tough relationship questions on Valentine’s Day | Heal and Transform Podcast with Karli Kershaw

by | Feb 14, 2020 | Podcast | 0 comments

Show notes

On this very special Valentine’s Day episode of the Heal and Transform Podcast, Andrew speaks with Karli Kershaw. Karli is a Love and Relationship Coach based out of Austin Texas. Over the past 16 years, she has helped hundreds of women release patterns of anxiety, heal heartbreak, remove emotional and mental blocks, identify self-worth, confidence, a healthy lifestyle and ultimately, show up more intentionally in their life. On the show we’re going to talk about how she’s grown her successful business and is shifting into more leveraged delivery such as group and online programs. We’ll also talk about the secret to building strong relationships, romantic and in business.

Find out more about Karli:

  • https://karlikershaw.com/
  • https://www.facebook.com/karli.kershaw
  • https://www.instagram.com/karlikershaw/

Music by David Cutter Music.


Episode transcript

Andrew Ramsden 0:28
G’day everyone and Happy Valentine’s Day. On this very special day I’ll be speaking with Kali kershel. Now Kali is a professional love and relationship coach based out of Austin, Texas. And over the past 16 years, she’s helped hundreds of women heal heartbreak, but also identify their self worth their confidence, a healthy lifestyle and ultimately shot more intentionally in their lives and in the lives of others around them. On the show, we’re going to talk about how she’s grown her successful business and is shifting into more leverage delivery and will also unlock some of the secrets to building relationships romantic and in business in this crazy modern age, enjoy!

Andrew Ramsden 1:12
Can you hear me Karli? Welcome to the show!

Karli Kershaw 1:20
Thank you Thank you for having me. I’m excited to be here.

Andrew Ramsden 1:22
And Happy Valentine’s Day by the way.

Karli Kershaw 1:25
Oh thank you Happy Valentine’s Day to you.

Andrew Ramsden 1:28
And as a love and relationship coach, do you have a take on Valentine’s Day? I know some people are quite jaded they feel it’s it’s a bit of a marketing maneuver by by big greeting card and other people love it to bits. Do you have a take on this?

Karli Kershaw 1:43
I remember as a little girl I love getting Valentine’s cards but no i i don’t know. I think it’s a hallmark you know, holiday and I believe that love is every day right? We don’t need the calendar February 14 to say I love you. I think we should show up with love every day. Everyday. Yes.

Karli Kershaw 2:02
I do know a lot of people, though feel that they don’t have a Valentine that they’re less than and I tell them know that they are the love they seek and they are the love so yeah.

Andrew Ramsden 2:12
And what would you recommend for people that don’t have a Valentine or aren’t celebrating Valentine’s Day today

Karli Kershaw 2:17
To take care of themselves in such a loving way to be the love they seek and whether it’s you know, going out with girlfriends guy friends, getting a massage doing something special for themselves? Or doing nothing at all and being okay with it. It’s just another day.

Andrew Ramsden 2:35
Very true.

Karli Kershaw 2:36
Yes.

Andrew Ramsden 2:38
So yeah, you’re based out of Austin, Texas. So it’s not even Valentine’s Day there yet for you. So I’m the first one to hit you with these sorts of questions.

Karli Kershaw 2:45
Yeah, well, it’s all good. It’s all welcome.

Andrew Ramsden 2:48
And I know you work with people from different areas of the world. Do you find that there’s differences culturally in how people approach relationships or is this starting to kind of even out and homogenise now especially in the world of dating apps. I’ve noticed a bit of a shift I came back to dating last year being in a long term relationship and it to me it was just bizarre to be honest. There seems to be this culture now of what I’d call almost relationship roulette. Where if even if a relationship goes quite deep, if there’s something that’s not quite right, and the fear comes up, then people kind of run off they go back to the app and they they try again. There must be another one out there!

Karli Kershaw 3:30
Right, it’s too easy, it is. I agree with you it is a strange thing. First of all know I universally love in relationships, we all have the same struggles we all want love, we want partnership we want to feel loved. Right? So that is very universal. And yes, I agree with you Andrew, that today’s dating is is the dating apps, it and the way we communicate with the way we communicate through text, it’s just too easy to to say: Oh yes, swipe, swipe, swipe right swipe left, I forget that. Anyway, would whichever one you’re on there Yes, it’s too easy to find someone you go out and have fun and you project all these ideas of love and what you want onto this person, you get caught up in the excitement euphoric sort of beginning feeling and then it doesn’t work out or it triggers something in you because that’s really what’s happening and then yet the ghosting happens. It’s really easy just to disappear, right to block someone delete someone and it’s really unfortunate. It’s really unfortunate. So it makes dating and connecting on a deeper level really, really difficult these days. But there is a way to do it if we do it right there is a way

Andrew Ramsden 4:38
Is there an antidote to this? what’s what’s the hot tip?

Karli Kershaw 4:41
Oh, that’s a big question. I help a lot of my clients really understand that I think once we get through this I’ll I’ll add some of that but but yes, it’s understanding that things have changed and and how you go about it is really important. So you don’t get caught up in that. I don’t know. That dead end sort of feeling and then because a lot of people, let’s be honest, most of us that are out there looking for love we we don’t have a lot of understanding of what we want and who we are. And so we’re we’re out there getting ghosted, rejected having short term things, and then we make it about us. And that just exacerbates the feeling of not enoughness. And it takes it takes the fun out of dating, and then you feel like and then you give up, you take time away. So yeah, it’s not easy. But I think as we move along through questions, I can give you some more tips around that.

Karli Kershaw 5:34
Yeah.

Andrew Ramsden 5:35
Sounds good. Thank you. So you talk about this idea of projecting on to the other person, your ideas of love. So for me, the first thing that popped into mind there was the five love languages. I can’t remember the author of that book. But I mean, to me that’s, that’s a perfect example of well, this is the way I experience love. So for those that aren’t familiar, there’s, in this book, the author outlines five different ways that people show and experience love. One of them being words of affirmation, another one being quality time, giving of gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. And so for example, if my primary love language was words of affirmation, then I would be waiting to hear “I love you, I love you” and words of affirmation. And if I didn’t, if I didn’t hear that, then I would be, I would be projecting on to that other person that they don’t love me. But I’m sure it’s more than just the love languages, right?

Karli Kershaw 6:39
It’s so much more than that. And I love that book. And it’s very true, but I think people are getting so caught up in all of these different things when they’re not understanding the deeper stuff like values. You know, we talked about that we can get into that when you’re ready. But I think but yes, when we have this idea of love what it should look like and I always say, I say we have this list that we create often when we’re younger, this list of how they should be how they should look money, even all these things. And so I really I want people to let go of this list and really get to see the person that’s in front of them, their character what they value, right? Yes, love language is a very important one, how you receive it, but how are you going to in the early stages, especially in just even dating, to be able to express that to someone or see if they are going to be able to give it back to you. So it’s really important I teach my clients to ask specific questions. And to to really, again, not project all these ideas on someone because we do because we all love the idea of love. And we want love and it’s often romanticize this idea. So we project all of these romanticize ideas on this person. And then we we start to see the human being that’s when the ghosting happens, or things are triggered within us. So, yeah, it’s really important that we’re more intentional in our dating and finding a partner that is right for us. Hmm, yeah.

Andrew Ramsden 8:00
Nice. I’m a very rational, logical person by default, certainly in my past, and I love having rules and frameworks of ways to think about things. And I guess the place that I’ve come to, and this is where we talk about values is, is this idea that, really, if I find someone that I connect with on a deep level, then the only reason that relationship would need to end is if there was a fundamental misalignment of values that that values level. And I guess this comes from a place of saying, a lot of people in relationships often feel uncertain. I think this is where this relationship roulette comes from. Is this the right person for me? Is there someone else out there? How long should I stick around? When do I know if we’re in this forever, or whether it’s not meant to be so for me that that line in the sand has been has become if there’s no fundamental misalignment of values, then this is a beautiful deep connection to hold on to.

Karli Kershaw 9:05
Yeah. And that’s, that’s definitely one thing I really teach my clients and I think it is so important. I’ve lived through it myself being in that relationship and projecting and this person was not aligned to my values. We were fundamentally just not compatible and it didn’t work. And we try to make things work right, we try to fit it into that box because we still want love. So yeah, really important. And I agree with you, Andrew, is that knowing your values and I’m really surprised at how many people don’t know their values like truly know them. I mean, we all would like to say that we’re honest, we’re loyal that we’re all these things. But that’s the important thing that we get very, very clear about our values and I, I have my clients like write down five to seven and very clear because they are they are the navigational tool to help us work, through life through relationships, through jobs, we take through everything how we show up if we stay aligned to our values, then we are going to dry and and bring in the people and the job and the situations.

Karli Kershaw 10:00
That are aligned to our true. So yes, I think that is so important. And then so that’s what I teach is that I actually give questions to my clients to ask once they know their values, to ask these potential dates, you know, and what their values are. And a lot of them they get kind of shocked by the question, but really, I mean, if you if if someone doesn’t know their values that says a lot, and then maybe you can talk about it, see if you are aligned, they don’t have to be perfect, like, perfectly aligned. But there you do need to be fundamentally aligned in order to create a healthy, thriving relationship. And I think to answer the last question, I think when you know, your values, I think that leads with into the love language with more ease, because you just you, you are on the same page, you get, you know, so it’s really important, I think, I think that kind of lines everything up for you when you are when you know your values and you find someone that is aligned

Andrew Ramsden 11:02
I also think there’s this process of, of coming up with your values with some of them are aspirational. And I think that’s really good to have those values that you’re working towards, these are things that I want to I want to be I want to be there. And I think that’s how you work towards improving. Again, as you say that you got to get that real awareness of what, what are the values that I actually hold, and maybe I’m not proud of them. So let me let me try to make this a bit more concrete. So for example, integrity has been a really aspirational value for me for most of my life, but I feel I’ve done so much work on that it’s now embedded in there really deeply. But what I maybe didn’t realize is that being fit and healthy has become a value and it was at a subconscious level. So that was coming up for me in different ways that I wasn’t necessarily aware of, and it’s something that you didn’t have say, Well, actually, this is something that I value, because it’s just there. It’s a part of me, I have to be real about that.

Karli Kershaw 12:07
Right? It is. And that’s what I always say I say, holding up that loving mirror to my clients, like you said, it’s something you might want to live into. And it doesn’t mean that it can’t become so right. But I would say write down your values and then sit with them and be honest with yourself, is this something you want to you’re aspiring to? that that’s something you want to live into? Or is that something you live in every day? Because there is a difference? We need to discern the difference, right? And so yes, it’s it’s really being clear and being honest with ourselves, but it doesn’t mean like you said that the the fitness being healthy Can you can move into that value and live into that value, and then that can become one of your fundamental values that you want to share with a potential partner.

Andrew Ramsden 12:45
Mm hmm. And why would sort of making things concrete and using examples Do you have an example of, say a values misalignment where it’s going to be very hard to resolve so one of the ones that pops into my head immediate Because this is always the big one and often gets asked early in the dating process is do you want to have a family and have kids? Because if people are in different sides of those values, very, very hard to sort of ask one person to compromise one way or the other, and that often becomes a fundamental misalignment. Do you have any other examples that make that really concrete with is that misalignment?

Karli Kershaw 13:22
Well, that’s a very, and I have my clients ask those questions early on, because it’s very important, and it doesn’t make one person right or wrong. It says it’s just on its honesty that needs to be created from the beginning. Right. And yet, I’ve had clients where, just like you were saying, for Well, I’ll even speak to myself, I’m very much about nature. I love to be outside, I’d love to be active. I love adventure. And so for me in the, in the partnership that I had several years back, that was not the case, and it caused problems. So we were always in this friction, right? We were doing this dance of, you know, trying to make each other happy and yet we weren’t, and so on. I think it’s really important. And that may sound really simple in the day to day, but think about life as a, you know, the bigger picture. You know, if you’re with someone that you want to go explore nature and adventure, you want to do things and they just want to sit home and read and which note there again, nothing is right or wrong, but that they’re just different people, but it’s going to go into relationships are hard enough. If you are not fundamentally aligned, you’re going to separate there’s just going to be a natural separation, it’s gonna be really hard and there will be more conflict. So I’m just saying to create a healthier relationship being very clear, and asking those questions. And what you just said that was a loaded one, like having a family kids that needs to be I think that needs to be put on the table really early on, because you don’t want to waste your heart energy and your time on someone that doesn’t want to have kids and you need to honor their choice. And it has nothing to do with you. It’s just like okay, I wish you well, and I hope you find that partner that will meet you where you are Really?

Andrew Ramsden 15:01
Hmm. So that to me speaks of this idea of conscious uncoupling. Then, tell us a bit about that. What’s that all about?

Karli Kershaw 15:11
Well, it’s not an easy process. I work with couples as well. It’s we do everything I mean, we we work on language I. And yet it seems that when when you get to a point where you’re so disconnected and you’ve realized these things, it’s really hard to come back to that space. I mean, I hope to work with people earlier on in the stages, but it’s it’s a realization that yes, you are not fundamentally lying. Just like I realized with my partner, we were only together for two years, but I said, I love you, but we are not fundamentally aligned. And so it is how can we respect each other on that level and know that you are wonderful human being, and I have different values, and we’re not meant to be together. And that’s really hard. It’s really hard because emotions and hurt and Pain is involved. So so that’s really what I help my clients understand is that let’s just love each other through this process that we’re different human beings. What can we learn from this? What can we learn from this and move on in a loving, respectful kind way? But it’s it’s it’s not easy because emotions get involved.

Andrew Ramsden 16:20
So many emotions, but also I think in that process, there’s always one person that kind of realized and has this realization first. Yeah. So it’s it’s very, very rare that both people say being okay, this isn’t right. This isn’t working. And it’s time to do that conscious uncoupling. There’s always someone that realizes that first and I think that that that is a balance and an attention.

Karli Kershaw 16:45
It is true, but I think one person can see it because we all know in our heart, we all know and I’d so I’ve experienced this myself and experienced it with my clients that we know but when we have attachment issues to love and people and this week Developed in our, in our youth, one one holds on just to the idea of again love or letting go of what they know even though they know it’s unhealthy. Because we it’s I mean as human beings we stay in what we know it because it’s comfortable even though it’s so unhealthy and dysfunctional but we stay in it because it’s what we now so I help I help hold the space for the one that’s not ready to let go and we really talked truth and and they need to know that they’re okay. And that it’s not a reflection of them. And so there’s there’s a lot of work, a lot of work to do there. But yeah, it usually again means there’s something else going on from the past that’s making them hold on to this dysfunction.

Andrew Ramsden 17:46
You talked about that idea of being attached. I think this this school of thought in relationships and it probably comes from Buddhism in some respect, this idea of being detached from the outcome. comes. So you’re still in love with someone but you’re detached from the outcome, you want the best for them, even if that means that they’re not with you. How do you think about that? Is that possible to be fully detached fully and deeply committed and in love?

Karli Kershaw 18:15
It’s such a beautiful concept in theory, right? It’s such a beautiful concept in theory, and yet we are human beings. We are messy. We have so many emotions. And yes, it’s, I’ll tell you just a little bit because I wrote about this today, actually, my my evolution because I grew up. I grew up Mormon. And so everyone was married very young. And anyway, I don’t need to get into it. But it was like, that’s what you did. So everyone I would date it would be like, this is going to be my husband. It was like you and you just thought of each person. And so what I have realized in my many years of relationships in life is that people come into our life for a reason and it doesn’t mean that they will stay. And I was writing today about every every relationship is meant for you, right? We have so many soulmates, but some of them come in To to crack us wide open to teach us to awaken us to heal us to where you know and so so I do believe in I’m in that space and that’s really what I teach but it’s a really hard it’s a lot of doing the inner work and healing that.

Karli Kershaw 19:17
But yes people come into her life for a reason and if we could just the thing is is we are love all of us as human beings and if we can move from love and just connect with each other in love then that’s what we do. We come into each other’s lives. We heal we love we hurt each other we grow from it we expand and we if we could move from that space of Thank you for coming in and showing me what I needed. loving me the way I needed hurting me the way I needed. Is it several years back I had a relationship with that did just that and it it was the most painful, painful thing but I needed it it healed that little girl me that believe love did not show up. So I am grateful for him. I Sent him love every day, and he is definitely a soulmate. But he was meant to come into my life and teach me and heal that part of me. So actually, I could open up and receive love. So yes. When you move into that place of you do this work you do you just like, okay, who’s coming into my life to love me? And who can I love and who can I teach? So yes, it’s again, it’s a beautiful concept in theory. Easier said than done.

Andrew Ramsden 20:26
Yeah. I love that very positive mindset around it as well. That’s beautiful.

Karli Kershaw 20:31
Yeah.

Andrew Ramsden 20:35
So I’ve got so many more questions for you about love and relationships. But I’d also love to talk about you and your business. So maybe we can talk about your business and we’ll come back to some of those questions as they come up as well. So I know you’ve talked to me about your business journey, building up a successful coaching business and how that has transformed for you over time and how it’s actually transformed yourself as a leader in your business. Do you want to tell us a little bit about that, Jim?

Karli Kershaw 21:03
Yeah, sure thing. Well, I am a relationship coach and all relationships reflect the relationship we have with ourselves. Right? And that is, that is the work I do. And being that I was very much in. I learned to not depend on others as a little girl. So I became and I was a single mom became very strong and independent, and I was a door door door. And I’ve always worked. And I always knew I had this bigger purpose in me and yet I had to do do do so I was very much in my masculine energy for years and worked really hard. In life, everything I worked really hard. And I burned out, I burned out big time, which actually led me into teaching yoga, which led led me into being a holistic nutritionist which led me into being a life coach. So again, everything happens for a reason. And yet this process of building my business because I’m so strong and independent, my masculine I’ve been doing doing doing and I didn’t know how to ask for help, I didn’t learn how to receive and that’s very much in the feminine energy.

Karli Kershaw 22:11
So doing this work these last few years, I’ve been able to lean into that and asking for help and realizing that I needed to. So I have hired coaches, you know, one very well and business coach Rosie, that’s amazing. I’ve hired other coaches and I have really, and and a virtual assistant, I’m leaning into my zone of genius, and I am hiring people. And, you know, getting the structures in place that will help me build my business and I can’t tell you how it’s been amazing. And so the last three years I have really grown my business exponentially. And through it I have grown exponentially because there’s this there’s always this fear of like if I if I hire someone or if I hand it over, if I do this, then what is it going to it’s been like such a real lif I can’t tell you it’s a release. Because I don’t burn myself out. I still do a lot, but I do what I love and then I hand off what I need to so it’s been really, really important piece for me.

Andrew Ramsden 23:16
That does sound like the journey of an expert becoming a true leader where they need others as opposed to having to do it all themselves.

Karli Kershaw 23:25
Right and that’s a fear based get was I was fear in my fear of how big how big success might get it how busy I’m going to get but I was going about it the wrong way. And so now I’m trusting it and leaning into it and it feels great and I things are opening up for me in ways I can’t even tell you. It’s been amazing.

Andrew Ramsden 23:44
Awesome, congratulation. Thank you. Thank you. The other really important point that you raised there is that every coach needs a coach and as you as you point out you talk about Rosie so Rosie is my coach as well and I engaged Rosie primarily around my fatigue, because she’d been through a very similar thing itself. But it turns out she was able to help me with my business. She was able to help me with relationships as those challenges came up for me last year. She’s I highly recommend her on all friends. Yeah. But I think they can be this temptation if if we’re a coach and a leader ourselves to feel like we should know it all already. We don’t. We shouldn’t we shouldn’t need to ask for help. But I think it’s true. Every coach needs a coach or every therapist needs a therapist, every therapist probably needs a coach and vice versa. We all need that support around us that high. I think sometimes just having that helicopter view that that third party perspective, it’s so much easier to see with clarity what’s going on for other people than it is for ourselves, we get too deep in it.

Karli Kershaw 24:47
Exactly. Yes. It’s really important. And I say this all the time. And because I even work with therapists that we get because we cognitively know we have the education and we know we know we know and and I’ll always say when people say I know I know, I say really do you know how is that working for you? Because if we get into this I know mind we actually are blocking ourselves from our learning and our expansion. So I think of myself being in the unknowing mind, and I’m okay with it. I don’t want to attach to anything. So that’s why it is asking for help. And always learning we never end and it’s delusional to think otherwise. So I believe Yes, that every coach, every therapist, it’s always learning there’s always a new level of learning and expansion. So so it’s so important. Yeah. And like I said, Rosie really helped me just really fine tune my business model. And that that was huge for me because I’ve done this mindset work for so long and but I needed I needed that I needed that. So it was really, really helpful.

Andrew Ramsden 25:52
Awesome. Yeah. And what would you say what other tips would you give to people that are looking to grow their coaching or their therapy is a healing business. So you’re moving more into the leverage space as well. So I guess it’s from expert to leader and then into leverage.

Karli Kershaw 26:10
Leverage, yes. Which it’s funny because my business has always grown organically, but we’re in a different age. I mean, my whole my yoga studio grew and organically, I always said, I’m not a businesswoman. I don’t want to market myself, but I had to move through that. And we are in a digital digital age, we have to know we have to be on you know, we have to know the way to market ourselves and not I had to work through the stuff around it, but also get the tools in place. And so that’s it, I mean, knowing that we all have our unique gifts and our unique message. And to so to lean into that no matter what it takes to get it out there on a broader scope.

Andrew Ramsden 26:52
I love that.

Karli Kershaw 26:55
And hire people that are experts in to help you do that.

Andrew Ramsden 26:59
Nice Love it. Yeah. So the there was the strategy and the message, the tools, and then the stuff around it and getting support and the stuff around it. So that’s interesting. Do you mind sharing with us a little bit about what that was? But yeah,

Karli Kershaw 27:16
it’s funny because you know, I’ve been doing this for 18 years and I used to people say you need to make videos, you need to write a book and I’d say, oh, not me. It was the imposter syndrome, you know, even though I live and breathe this and I have. And so yes, I think that’s a very common thing to move into what we all have. We every one of us, we come here with a purpose, every one of us, it’s our birthright, we just have this abundance, this love this voice. And yet, and yet we we are so afraid of it. And so we don’t we often don’t put it out there. And I think that that’s what I was going through is like Who am I to? Who am I to put my stuff out there. And yet I have realized I’ve helped so many people over of my years, and they tell me all the time and, and so I moved to serve its that’s my heart’s purpose is to serve people. So if we flip it from this, you know, being a salesperson or marketing, it’s from a place of serving others from place of love.

Karli Kershaw 28:16
And so that’s where I shifted my mindset around that. And that was huge. And now it’s allowed me to show up so much more powerfully. And I just moved from love. And that’s where I keep checking in with myself going back to our values, am I aligned to my values? And yes, it’s love, and it’s honesty and integrity and all those things. And so, yeah, I serve from love, and it just feels good. I don’t have to question that anymore. And I’m excited to say that just yesterday, I I’m now writing my book that’s been in me for 18 years, and that’s getting Yeah, I know. It’s excited.

Andrew Ramsden 28:48
Well, thank you. And for those people, I know there’s some people out there that aren’t really clear on what their purpose is, or they’re just not certain. They might have a sense of it, but they just don’t feel Certain about it. How did you come to that clarity of purpose? And what would you recommend for people that that aren’t feeling that at the moment?

Karli Kershaw 29:08
Yeah, what I just tell my clients is that I think it’s really every night when you before you go to bed, when you come home, you think about what lit you up that day. What was it that you did, that you felt so alive, that you just felt even goosebumps that moment, write it down, do it for like, 30 days, 60 days, and you’ll see a pattern play out of what what it is that just lit you up? Because that’s what we want to feel we want to feel it in our body into that sensation in our heart in our being in our soul. And so the more you connect to that you’ll see a pattern, you’ll see a pattern and then I also say, yes, of course we get caught into this mindset of how we should go to college, we should get a career, we should do this, we should do that.

Karli Kershaw 29:48
But if that doesn’t feel aligned to your truth and your intuition that listen to that, try different things, maybe taking writing classes, different things, whatever it is yoga, meditation, different things. I’m just talking about Brian Your scope of experience so you can see can feel into what your soul’s calling is. Right. So really listening, listening to your intuition is really key.

Andrew Ramsden 30:13
Yeah. Which is not an easy process for everyone. I know, it was certainly a challenge for me on that journey to get out of my head and be able to listen to my intuition. So that’s a whole other journey. Maybe that’s a whole other podcast episode.

Karli Kershaw 30:25
That is a whole other podcast. And I want to reiterate that it’s, it’s within every one of you, it’s within every one of us. And if we could just, if we could just trust it. That’s That’s it. It’s just really trusting that intuition that internal knowing that we all have.

Andrew Ramsden 30:40
This is much deeper and broader necessarily than specifically just love and relationships. So I can see like Rosie, you come to Karli for love and you get support with life more broadly.

Karli Kershaw 30:49
Love is reflected in all aspects of your life. And so how you take care of your body, health wise, the relationships you keep, even how you how you listen to your gut your intuition how you follow your passions, all of it. So it really starts with you. And that’s the relationship you have for yourself is the most important ultimate relationship you can work on. And everything else will fall into place more easily,

Andrew Ramsden 31:14
That then overlaps with all these other areas of your life and impact. Yes, so absolutely, I think a really great example and something I’d love to talk about anyway, is you talked about the, the journey you went on from being very much in your masculine energy through to more of a feminine energy in your business so that you were able to receive and take on health. And I know that comes up time and time again in relationships as well. And I think this is an area that’s, that’s quite misunderstood and quite challenging, even controversial for people. Because at a very black and white and simplistic viewpoint, they would say, okay, masculine energy, that’s the man a feminine energy, that’s the woman but it’s, it’s not like that is it? It’s an energy we can have both I can have feminine and masculine.

Karli Kershaw 31:59
Thank you for asking. We actually both male and female, have masculine and feminine. So it’s not a man versus a woman, you have masculine and feminine, I have masculine, feminine. And we are most powerful when it’s more balanced, but most of us live out of balance. So I’ll speak to, you know, as far as women and when I talk about the, the controversy that you’re talking about, and I’ve said to men, you’re you need to be more in your feminine Like what? And I say no, that will make you more powerful that will make you more intuitive that will make you please your woman in a different way. So it’s so it’s a very positive thing.

Karli Kershaw 32:37
So yes, it’s not it’s not male and female, we both have these energies, or we have both of these energies in us. And so I speak to this a lot and I attract a lot of masculine energy to women because I’m very strong, but they say to me, I’m attractive because you’re strong, but you’re soft, because I’m also embodied in my feminine and in speaking in relationships that we can really block ourselves and I’ll speak to women and then men but as women being strong and independent, which is great we all want we all want to be with an independent women I would think but a strong intelligent women, but we also want our women to, from a male’s perspective to meet us to want us and that and when I say need, it’s like ooh needy, that sounds so terrible, but we all need each other.

Karli Kershaw 33:21
So a woman embodied more in her feminine can receive love can receive intimacy is more sensual, sexual, there’s, there’s this feeling of being held and feeling safe and there’s nothing like that. But that scares us as masculine energy women because we’re it we are, it’s a false sense of protection. Like I’m strong in this but but there’s nothing like being held by a man and his masculine. And so again, we are blocking ourselves from this beautiful feeling and it takes us into a level of trust and intimacy that we can’t have otherwise. So that’s why it’s really important that this is what I teach so much is women really embodying that feminine and being in it, but still balance balancing the masculine and the feminine.

Karli Kershaw 34:05
And then on the male side is if they’re always leading with their masculine it’s an aggressive sort of energy. Right and that aggressiveness is not attractive to anyone wallet. I don’t think it is. But he’s not attuned to his feelings. So he can’t, he can’t hold space for a woman in her feminine in a way that she needs. And he can’t express his feelings so he’s locked down so it doesn’t allow for the intimacy to come on in from his side. And so that’s the thing is is that that then that’s masculine energy man is blocking himself from feeling from healing. Also that inner child, that little boy that didn’t learn how to emote, because this little boys Unfortunately, that’s what they’re told, oh, you’re Be strong, don’t feel that way.

Karli Kershaw 34:47
So there’s nothing more beautiful than a man and a woman coming together more balanced in the feminine masculine knowing they have both energies in them. And if they can do that, as I said, I’m going to Repeat then you can create such intimacy and trust and it’s just this beautiful flourishing relationship. So it’s a really huge topic in my work.

Andrew Ramsden 35:08
It is a huge topic isn’t it? There’s so many angles and aspects we could explore that my mind immediately goes to one sense like there’s a time and a place for the main to really step into his masculine and thinking to be on the whole was a in the feminine and vice versa. So for me, it would be about working out when is that right time to use which energy. Another part of it that that I think comes up in relationships is as people try to grow, so if a woman’s trying to embrace market feminine or man’s trying to embrace markets masculine, I feel like that creates a bit of a tension certainly in my experience it has where one person is trying to push this way but the other person may not be on a similar complimentary journey. So there is this push and pull between the energies then.

Karli Kershaw 35:54
That’s right. That creates a challenge. Yes, that creates a challenge and that’s why I talk about relationship is our greatest opportunity to heal. It’s our greatest opportunity to create this. But I talked about a conscious container that you created as two individuals, knowing that you might have this contention that you may not be growing at the same time, but really teaching language and rather than projecting so I teach language around, especially when you’re in this contention is what do you need for me right now? I think it’s the most powerful question you can ask.

Karli Kershaw 36:25
And and you know, and it may not feel comfortable because it means you’re just stepping away from your own needs in that moment, because as human beings, we’re often leading with our own projection our own needs. And so I teach my clients at one simple sentence, what do you need for me right now, and then just take the pause. And you actually learn to listen, you see each other you hear each other You hold space, and it teaches the man to be more in his feminine and it teaches the woman to allow and receive, receive him holding and it has to be reciprocal. And so that’s that that’s the dance and it is a fine dance. is not a perfect dance. But it but it is that is creating this conscious container in relationships is is such a profound thing for both people, there’s so much healing going on. And it always keeps leading back to this as there’s intimacy, pleasure, love and growth and expansion individually and as a couple.

Andrew Ramsden 37:25
I really love that. Because I think there’s often this myth that you need to be single to grow. And I think in some respects it can be easier because there’s not that tension your whatever you decide to grow into, you just kind of grow into but I think what you’re saying is there are benefits to doing that together as a team, in that you are able to push each other along and understand what that then means in relationship with relationships. Because we don’t we don’t do this in isolation in the world. And if we’re single, so I think that’s a really beautiful message for us and and the other insightful Was it takes two, it takes to be challenging, right?

Karli Kershaw 38:04
It is it’s challenging. And that’s why well, I want to say before I move into that, that is, yes, you can do it on your own and people use that often isn’t it as a protection also like aligning to heal and I gained to do this because they’re not they don’t want to put themselves out there. But that’s why and so I teach people like to show up truly, authentically as himself, this is me, this is what I need. These are my values is what I’m looking for. They I give them language to articulate what that is. And so that person can meet them, but you also need that person to be in somewhat of the same space. And so, in relationship though, you can grow exponentially because you have this partner holding up, hopefully, and I always say it’s compassion, kindness, love, holding up this beautiful mirror to you. So you can move through whatever you need to more quickly and more supported, hopefully, then you can on your own. So I know I believe there’s exponential growth within This loving conscious container but you’re right, it takes two people that are willing to create this for sure.

Andrew Ramsden 39:06
Yeah. Yeah, amazing. Well, there’s so much there. That’s a value for relationships. But I know we’ve just skim the surface. We’ve covered so many topics, which has been beautiful. It’s been amazing. But I know there’s so much debt behind that. So, thank you for being so generous about giving so many of your insights today.

Karli Kershaw 39:28
Yeah, for sure. I love this work. And, and like I said, life is all about relationships, really. I mean, it’s everything. It’s everything, whether it’s love relationships, family relationships, we didn’t even get into that, whether we do that and you know, all the relationships you have. So it’s, that’s what life is all about.

Andrew Ramsden 39:46
And maybe that can be a part two, we can come back and explore that more broadly. Okay, sounds good. Is there any other sort of advice you’d like to leave us with? Otherwise, I’d love to know where we can find more about you online.

Karli Kershaw 39:59
Well, I would say and just repeating myself but we, most of us are looking for something outside of ourselves looking for love looking saying, oh, if I had that relationship then I would be happy if I was married if I’d have kids and I’d be happy. Right? You completely Yeah, we talked about that are you make me whole, but the thing is, is I want to say to everyone, you are whole right now, you don’t need anyone to complete you. It is a lot of the beliefs that you have about yourself that you learned as a little child that are just blocking you from experiencing your wholeness. And if we can, if you continue to look outside yourself, you’re going to keep repeating the pattern of, of feeling unworthy and not loved. And so that’s why the ultimate relationship that you should be working on from a loving place is with yourself. Because that is where it happens. And when it starts with you, then life will open up in a different way and no one’s there to completely complete you. You are a complete all on your own.

Andrew Ramsden 41:02
I like that. Thank you. I think we find you online.

Karli Kershaw 41:07
Well, I’m at Carla Christian calm. That is my website and Carly krisha on Instagram is quite simple. And same with Facebook. So I keep it pretty streamlined so you can find me easily. And I love to connect with people and always offer you know, a complimentary coaching call just to see where people are at and see how I can support them. Because this is my love and it does come from my heart.

Andrew Ramsden 41:31
Racing. Well thank you so much for joining us today and sharing so deeply.

Karli Kershaw 41:35
Thank you. It’s been a pleasure, Andrew, thank you.

Andrew Ramsden 41:38
Talk to you soon.

Karli Kershaw 41:39
Okay, goodbye.

Andrew Ramsden 41:42
So there you go. That was Karli, wasn’t that amazing? And so much there that applies to not only relationships but life more broadly, which I think is really wonderful, really cool. So do reach out to Karli if you’d like to talk to them more about relationships or about life more broadly. I think she’s an amazing coach. And an amazing inspiration in that space, certainly in terms of how she’s built her business as well. So lots of value there to add. If you’re looking for that business support or relationship support, or life more broadly, if you do want to get in touch with colleague will put the links in the show notes for the episode and drop us a comment. Let us know what you thought what was the most valuable takeaway for you? And if you have any questions for Karli, drop those in there as well. And otherwise, May May your relationships always be constructive. And look out for number one this Valentine’s Day whether you’re in a relationship or not, and have a fabulous day. Talk to you soon, bye.

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